Marla Nuvaring
Marla Nuvaring '''(Jennie Pierson), better known by the Hamilton High School staff as Drunk Mom, is the mother of the most children currently enrolled in the school. She was also the guest on Season 1, Episode 5 of the Teacher's Lounge. Marla is frequently intoxicated both in public and in private (though she claims she only gets sad when she's drunk alone). Her drink of choice is Big Gulp cups full of "Salty Greyhounds," a drink of her own invention containing: vodka, Epsom salt, a drop of grapefruit juice, and saline solution (as she believes that the saltier the drink is, the more she can get away with drinking). Marla has 18 children with her husband Bill many of whom are currently attending Hamilton High School. She claims that she has so many children because the 7 nuvarings in her cervix don't work. Despite their large number of children, Marla only has sex with her husband once a year and, in exchange, he allows her to remodel something in their home. Most recently, she remodeled her kitchen into a full bar (with a toaster oven for pigs-in-a-blanket). She no longer cares for her husband (even going so far as to say she wishes Howard had killed him when he tipped his wheelchair over at a basketball game) and seems to have turned her affections towards Sam Weatherman. During her podcast appearance, she got physically close to Sam (without touching him) and made kissing noises. They then sat back-to-back while eating (a practice the two seem to consider sex). They also spit on the ground and made fart noises at a picture of a baby, which caused Marla to orgasm. She owns a Prius, but does not drive it because she likes to waste gasoline and will even pour it out onto her front lawn. Though she has multiple vehicles running at all times at her house, including: a boat, 7 horses, and a bear. For years, Marla thought her bear was a large dog despite the face that she stole it from the circus. Marla requested a woman's wig from Bill Cravy so as to trick people into believing that her bear was female. She will ride her bear to the drop-off line at Hamilton High School, although people would prefer that she ride her more docile bear named Llama (who eats cans and likes to stay at home in the bath). Marla's bears are dating each other and she is frequently trying to enrol them at Hamilton High School, but Miss Holloway has continuously blocked their admittance. Despite her abundance of vehicles, she mainly rides her son Juan-Carlos for transportation. She's also had experimental food-based surgeries performed on some of her children. Her daughter, Laveefee, received the first ever steak-hair transplant (from Dr. Beef) by having steaks sown into her scalp (to feed her mother's bear). Marla also has a son with french fries for armpit hair and another son with a hamburger mustache. Marla will often partake in eating her children's hair, despite the fact that Marla currently trying to lose weight. She weighs about about 110 lbs, but she is trying to get down to 25 lbs in an attempt to disappear. Marla has campaigned to be president of the PTA every year for the past decade on a platform of bringing more fun and charm to the meetings. She was once allowed to run a PTA meeting and spent most of said meeting cooking bacon-wrapped hotdogs, bacon-wrapped crescent rolls, and even wrapped her head in bacon and tried to put it in the oven. Marla ended up burning down the school's common room (an incident that ended up on the local news). She has a reputation for chewing men's penises while preforming oral sex and even chewed off one of her husband's testicles thinking it was a donut hole. This reputation likely led to Marla's high school prom date, Jeff Dawns, tricking Marla into eating a hotdog in a bun with mayonnaise (one of only two hotdogs that Marla has ever eaten) instead of giving him a a blowjob. She did not realize it was a hotdog until she had completely eaten it and she insists this is proof that Jeff is gay (even though he is married to a woman). Upwards of 25 men have come out to her as gay before she was able to give them a blowjob. As a parent, Marla has gone to Hamilton's prom every year as a "buddy." Of these proms, her favorite theme was RuPaul's Drag Race (a theme that was heavily pushed by her). During this prom she told all of the students to "sissy that walk" and made them lip sync for their lives. RuPaul's Drag Race Prom was ultimately shut down because Marla had all her wigs on. She is know to dance the dirtiest at prom every year. This is due to the fact that she took a class on the film Dirty Dancing in 1985 where she learned to rub her vagina on things. Marla chewed the penis off of her dance teacher Mr. Ronald. '''Miscellaneous Facts * Marla is Jewish. * She only listens to Menopause: The Musical. * She doesn't read the bible, but she claims did read one bible one time (in a hotel room in Napa Valley) that contained restaurant suggestions and the wifi password. * Marla doesn't understand numbers. Category:Characters